Archive Page 2
reflection…
Tomorrow, I turn 29. Wow. As a child, 29 seemed so far away. Well, to be honest, I never thought about 29, I kind of skipped over it and just feared 30; and now 30 is a mere 366 days away. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not handle this getting old thing. But why? Maybe because I always thought to have more accomplished by 29? Maybe because I abandoned life for almost 3 years and now, knowing I have used up the proverbial 9 lives, I worry about tomorrow and forget to live today.
I don’t know why I have such a fear of getting older. I don’t look 29 and I generally don’t act 29. (What do actual 29-year-olds act like anyway?)
Life is funny.
Years ago, I planned to travel to many countries, I had quite the list. So far, I have only really seen Italy and Germany (Canada doesn’t count if you’re from NY). I knew I would leave Oswego as soon as I could, which I did. I knew I would get a college degree, which I did, though I took the scenic route. I knew I would always write, which I am but not nearly as often as I would like, though I am working on that. I never thought I wanted to have children, which I don’t have still, though now I think I may want them. But, my body has decided it may not allow that to happen. I don’t really know what else I had planned as a child. I didn’t have a list.
I have great friends, a wonderful family that I am very close with and a supportive husband. Each day, I grow more appreciative of the life I have. I try to live it though the hum-drum bullshit usually gets in the way.
Perhaps pre-conceived notions about certain ages lead some to fear growing older. I think in general, the media perpetuates unattainable stereotypes. We see the minority displayed on TV and think that should be us. We don’t consider that what we are seeing is probably not the norm.
For instance, how many 29 year olds live in a 1300 sq ft flat in the epicenter of Manhattan and have the time to spend hours every day at a coffee house, sans cell phone, Mac and extra work from the office, if they’re even currently working at the time? (“Friends”)
How many 29 year-old women have children, work full time, go to mommy and me classes, cook the meals, clean and have a fabulous sex life? We see this so often, but it isn’t real. Wonder-woman has left the building.
I don’t know what every 29 wants, I cannot speak for everyone. I am happy with the partnership my husband and I have. We both clean, cook, etc…and everything else is fabulous. I know I need to work on writing more, and I accept that challenge I have presented myself. I know I need more schooling, I am prepping for the GRE and will be in grad school in the fall — if all goes as planned. The kid thing will work out, one way or another and I am not stressing out over dishes in the sink anymore.
One more thing, before I depart. Every person we meet in life is a stepping stone, a new beginning, a new lesson, etc…I have had many, many lessons/helpers/stepping stones and new beginnings throughout my life. Several left imprints on my heart. My grandmother for one. She helped mold me into the woman I am and she never let my head stay too high in the clouds for too long. My mother. She has been my mentor and best friend for as long as I can remember. She and I have been through a lot together. Heartbreaks, headaches, successes and everything in between. She is the strongest woman I know and I always try to imagine her perspective in difficult situations, that is only if she doesn’t answer when I call her numerous times for advice! My Aunt Mary left another imprint on my heart. She never had children, but all of us were “her babies”. Aunt Mary never ran out of love to give; No matter who you were, Aunt Mary would be there for you. She would fight for you until she took her last breath and never ask for anything. At this time of the year, many from my past, members of my family and past friends drift in and out of my stream of consciousness. Every year, I learn a bit more about these individuals, and a bit more about myself. I am grateful to them all.
until next time…
Filed under: Personal | 2 Comments
Tags: 29, birthdays, fear, getting older, happiness, life, love
I have been told that I put too much faith in humanity. Maybe I do.
I have been told I am generally too emotional. Maybe I am.
I have been told that if I tried to do my best, I cannot expect more. But I do.
I have been told that I cannot change all that’s wrong with the world. But I try.
I have been told that I cannot make all the ignorant aware. Maybe I can’t.
I had a rough evening. What started out as our normal starbucks and target run turned very sad. While in Target, there was a man pushing another man in a wheelchair. The man in the wheelchair had some sort of disability, what it was I won’t try to diagnose. The man was moaning very loudly, while waving his hands in the air — sort of slowly, not wildly or anything. Well of course we continued on our way but at one point I stopped and turned to watch what turned into a heartbreaking scene. While peering at the two man through a clothes rack, I watched the man pushing the wheelchair struggle with his bags and the wheelchair, while the other man was obviously having a bad time of things. This of course made everything harder on the pusher.
It’s obvious that neither of the men needed any other frustration at that moment, but they got it…
I am not sure what was said or if it was just a dirty look, but I heard the man pushing the wheelchair say through exasperated breath:
“Well, the state won’t give us any aid, so this is how it is. If you think you can do better, be my guest.”
That would be when I began to tear up and Joe tried to get me to move on. I know humans can be callous. I know people get frustrated when out shopping. But when did the human race become so horrifically hateful?
1. No one offered to help this man. I have been at Target and many other stores with just two or three bags and been offered help to my car. (Which I always turn down.)
2. How could someone be so hateful as to be rude to anyone in that type of predicament?
We are de-evolving. But, I will continue to fight against hate, intolerance and ignorance until I am reduced to picking fleas out of my fur.
until next time…
Filed under: Personal | Leave a Comment
Tags: disabled rights, hate, ignorance, intolerance
a brief brief…
I haven’t updated the bloggy blog is so long and that stresses me out. First of all, I don’t know why I have a blog. Second, when I fail to update it as often as I would like, I stress. So apparently, I am a glutton for punishment. Anyway, I have so many things I would like to say right now, but I have an hour to shower and get to work, so I can’t unleash just yet…sigh…
Joe began a new job last week; he’s the head of security for a large company in Syracuse. I am still working at the same place, but I now have Saturday and Sunday off every week! WOOHOO!! Christmas is on it’s way and I am looking forward to speanding time with the fam.
Still prepping foe the GRE. Still plan to be in Tennessee before the end of July. Still despise the cold, snow and New York in general.
until next time…
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some things to think about…
I have been trying to decide how to approach last week’s Prop 8 decision in California. Should I throw a bunch of facts, stats out there and educate? Or should I chastise Prop 8 proponents for forcing their hate onto others. Because no matter how you spin it, denying people their civil rights is hateful and wrong. Hide behind your fictitious ”good book” all you want, it does not, nor will it ever justify hateful discrimination. If there is a god — this wonderful creator so many worship — and I was a “believer” than I would chose to believe in this entity not as a fearful hate filled energy, but rather a loving, caring soul connecting all of us on a higher level. (This also explains why I left the Catholic Church and shun organized religion all together, but I digress…)
After watching this message from Keith Olbermann, I realized I could not have phrased my disgust more eloquently…
until next time…
**Note: I do have many evolved friends who are both religious and supporters of all people and all their civil rights and I am SO THANKFUL for those individuals. When discussing religious zealots against Prop 8, these individuals were by no means classified into the same group as those other hate-mongers.
Filed under: Gay Rights, Political, gender | Leave a Comment
Tags: gay marriage, Homesexuals, Prop 8
merger…
I had two blogs going for the past few months and I don’t really know why. I thought that I should segregate them, this way one could be a bit personal while the other was more political/cultural. Well, I discovered that having two blogs really didn’t do much other than stress me out. I was constantly thinking about them and if I updated one, I felt it necessary to update the other. Ironic huh? I began blogging to purge my thoughts and have a safe outlet for anything that came to mind — instead it stressed me out. Hopefully now things will get back on track. I would like to take the time to blog a few times a week. Even if no one read my thoughts again, at least I am putting them out there…
Filed under: Personal | 1 Comment
cold…
It’s getting colder here in NY and darker…less sun. less fun. more work. longer hours. longing to write, serving beer instead. the economy is in shambles. i’m grateful we both work. amazing apartment…1,200+ miles north of where we want to be. family nearby. good for the holidays and the surgery. missing great friends. missing great conversation. missing work in the area i love. can’t make any money at a newspaper though. times are tough. and cold. i want to help people. to volunteer…not much time for that. i want to make a difference. i want people to know they’re not alone. i want my masters but take me time studying for the gre. i want to see the mayan ruins. walk through the roman colosseum. see my byline printed again someday. i want to splash in puddles with my niece and hear her laughter. i want the politicians to remember why they began the careers they did. i want the soldiers home. i want to see the NYC christmas tree and hold my breath at ground zero. i want to read every book i can get my hands on. i want to drink coffee and talk with good friends for days until we know everything will be all right with the world. i want to hold my husbands hand and walk through scottish castles. i want to feel history. i want america to be colorblind. i wish there was a vaccine for homophobia. i don’t think americans should carry guns. i know what change i want and i don’t think obama will do it. mccain scares the hell out of me. but no matter how much they screw up this election season, i still love politics. i love the game. i just wish politicians would realize that we are not their pawns, they are supposed to be ours…in a sense anyway. i want to write a poem but i can’t feel that much emotion anymore. it’s too hard to handle. i used to exaggerate reality, now reality scares the hell out of me. i want to relearn spanish and maybe teach myself latin. i wonder about immortality and fear i used up my proverbial nine lives a long time ago. i want to fill my journals with wonderfully written prose, but never seem to close the mac and grab a pen…i may not remember how. technology has taken over my life. i fight it, but it is just so fun. i need to step back. close the outlets. set my blackberry down for longer than 2 minutes. i worry so much. i need to breathe and learn to relax. how does one disconnect a large rubber band ball? one band at a time? i can’t find the first band. it’s only going to get colder here…see you in the spring.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Tags: change, learning, living, travel
McCain/Palin=dumb/dumber
When the McCain camp first announced Palin as it’s VP choice, I was angry. I thought it was a patronizing move directed toward American woman. I still stand behind my initial reaction. But I am also enjoying the comic relief Palin provides on an almost daily basis. Click here for today’s laugh.
The scary thing is that so many American are falling for the McCain camp shenanigans. Take time to learn the truth. Here is a great, unbiased starting point.
until next time…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
