i thought i was a writer…
The blog below was written two nights ago in my journal. A real journal, with lined pages in between two beautiful pieces of leather, (or some leather-esque type material). It’s a moleskin journal to be exact, the same type Hemingway allegedly used, but “Papa” can’t help me now. The entry appears exactly as it was originally written.
Ok, so I used to be a writer. I mean, I still write, or at least I try to, but I think I’ve lost it. I used to say I was just trying “to get my pen and paper to be lovers again,” but I think they’re separated for good. I have a blog but it’s weak. I started it thinking that it would encourage me to write more, but it has only produced more stress. When it goes days and embarrassing weeks without a post, I freak out. Yet still the blog remains waiting for more content. Why do I blog anyway? Why don’t I just keep a journal as I always have? I think the answer is instant gratification. Instant comments, feedback and watching the read counter increase all give me an unbelievable thrill, I’m not gonna lie.
But why do I need such an instant connection? Perhaps because I am not longer surrounded by creative individuals as I once was. Maybe I’ve lost touch with who I am as well. I always say “life gets in the way, be careful.” And it does! The mundane daily bullshit clouds our eyes, images blur and our self becomes hazy.
I try to fight it, but I feel so tired, I just give up. I roll over and allow life to make me its bitch. When did I become so complacent? And why the hell did my creative self not fight harder?
My attention span has decreased too. Could they be related to one another? Could they have been causes of my increased anxiety? Between my Blackberry, Itouch, Mac and TV with hundreds of channels I can barely read a news story all the way through because I am so worried I’m missing something on another site, another device. I being my Blackberry to the bathroom with me for christ’s sake. Even now, I am wondering if I should stop writing this and get on the computer to turn it into a blog. I am out of control.
The only time I have any peace is when I am in bed reading — even then, if my phone dings, I immediately stop reading the book and pick up my Blackberry. I think I need to get a non-smart phone. Just a simple razor or something. Why do I need to be “wired in” 24/7? WHen did e-mailing while out to dinner become acceptable? Why do I get angry at my phone because it can’t hold 50 pictures? Why do I need 50 pictures on my phone?
Why don’t I allow myself some peace?
And why the hell am I still thinking about putting this entry onto my blog right away when I have a terrific book waiting for me on my nightstand?
until next time…
Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Tags: journaling, poetry, writer's bloc, writing
I totally get you. Seriously, like I told you before, I shut off my blog because it stressed me the heck out when I didn’t update it. Unlike you however, I never considered myself a writer. I’m not much good at poetry. I can’t write creatively to save my life. All those fluffy adjectives that I fall in love with when I read … they they slip through my fingers like sand when I try to fold them into my writing. I’m definitely a reader; I appreciate good writing. But it takes me way too much effort to do it myself. I created some brochure copy for work last week, and it took me the majority of the day. And that was BROCHURE copy! Haha.
The urge to be constantly connected is something with which a lot of people in our generation probably struggle. I think I’m actually getting better. I shut down my blog. I had a twitter account for about a day (Way too much connection, if you ask me). I have a regular ol’ phone (but I’d love and iPhone; I’m not gonna lie). I haven’t been on MySpace in over a year. I probably need to delete my account. I’m actually trying to get on facebook more because I do want to keep in touch with people somehow and facebook seems to be the most prolific.
Well, this has been a pretty long comment … I probably should have written you an e-mail instead. I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. …Now I gotta go so I can check my e-mail.
I feel you on a lot of the things you said; but I think you’re still a writer, and a darn good one at that. You just need to learn to ignore or turn off the phone, tv, and computer once in a while (my house has been in an uproar lately because I complain about the tv). I was supposed to write a book in November, and I made a good start, but I was doing 10 times better when I disconnected from the rest of the world for awhile. Knowing you I know it will be hard, but perhaps you’ll find that award winning writer that you’ve hidden behind all the technology. I understand about the blog thing, I love to see high counts, and freaked out about my poor updating, until I realized that it would still be there when I got back to it the next time, and yours will too!