reflection…
Tomorrow, I turn 29. Wow. As a child, 29 seemed so far away. Well, to be honest, I never thought about 29, I kind of skipped over it and just feared 30; and now 30 is a mere 366 days away. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not handle this getting old thing. But why? Maybe because I always thought to have more accomplished by 29? Maybe because I abandoned life for almost 3 years and now, knowing I have used up the proverbial 9 lives, I worry about tomorrow and forget to live today.
I don’t know why I have such a fear of getting older. I don’t look 29 and I generally don’t act 29. (What do actual 29-year-olds act like anyway?)
Life is funny.
Years ago, I planned to travel to many countries, I had quite the list. So far, I have only really seen Italy and Germany (Canada doesn’t count if you’re from NY). I knew I would leave Oswego as soon as I could, which I did. I knew I would get a college degree, which I did, though I took the scenic route. I knew I would always write, which I am but not nearly as often as I would like, though I am working on that. I never thought I wanted to have children, which I don’t have still, though now I think I may want them. But, my body has decided it may not allow that to happen. I don’t really know what else I had planned as a child. I didn’t have a list.
I have great friends, a wonderful family that I am very close with and a supportive husband. Each day, I grow more appreciative of the life I have. I try to live it though the hum-drum bullshit usually gets in the way.
Perhaps pre-conceived notions about certain ages lead some to fear growing older. I think in general, the media perpetuates unattainable stereotypes. We see the minority displayed on TV and think that should be us. We don’t consider that what we are seeing is probably not the norm.
For instance, how many 29 year olds live in a 1300 sq ft flat in the epicenter of Manhattan and have the time to spend hours every day at a coffee house, sans cell phone, Mac and extra work from the office, if they’re even currently working at the time? (“Friends”)
How many 29 year-old women have children, work full time, go to mommy and me classes, cook the meals, clean and have a fabulous sex life? We see this so often, but it isn’t real. Wonder-woman has left the building.
I don’t know what every 29 wants, I cannot speak for everyone. I am happy with the partnership my husband and I have. We both clean, cook, etc…and everything else is fabulous. I know I need to work on writing more, and I accept that challenge I have presented myself. I know I need more schooling, I am prepping for the GRE and will be in grad school in the fall — if all goes as planned. The kid thing will work out, one way or another and I am not stressing out over dishes in the sink anymore.
One more thing, before I depart. Every person we meet in life is a stepping stone, a new beginning, a new lesson, etc…I have had many, many lessons/helpers/stepping stones and new beginnings throughout my life. Several left imprints on my heart. My grandmother for one. She helped mold me into the woman I am and she never let my head stay too high in the clouds for too long. My mother. She has been my mentor and best friend for as long as I can remember. She and I have been through a lot together. Heartbreaks, headaches, successes and everything in between. She is the strongest woman I know and I always try to imagine her perspective in difficult situations, that is only if she doesn’t answer when I call her numerous times for advice! My Aunt Mary left another imprint on my heart. She never had children, but all of us were “her babies”. Aunt Mary never ran out of love to give; No matter who you were, Aunt Mary would be there for you. She would fight for you until she took her last breath and never ask for anything. At this time of the year, many from my past, members of my family and past friends drift in and out of my stream of consciousness. Every year, I learn a bit more about these individuals, and a bit more about myself. I am grateful to them all.
until next time…
Filed under: Personal | 2 Comments
Tags: 29, birthdays, fear, getting older, happiness, life, love
I am realizing more and more everyday how true these words are. Even though we are conscious of it and try to avoid it, unattainable stereotypes are beaten into our heads everyday. We feel like we fail if we can’t get to that point where we have “everything.” Where we have the husband, the lucrative and fulfilling job, the 2.5 kids with a dog and a gorgeous house that’s never messy coupled with a big fluffy bed to have mind-blowing sex in every single night. Does anyone have that? Are we being left behind?
I’ll be turning 25 this year and for me that’s something to pay attention to. When I was younger, I thought 25 was old. And like you’ve said about turning 29, I never could’ve imagined what 25 would look like. Am I where I want to be? Have I accomplished enough? My mother has told me since I was old enough to understand words, that you will wake up one day and be 45 and wonder where your life has gone. For this reason I am ultra-aware of what I do each day. I’m aware that this is the only life we get, and there are no do-overs. It’s a struggle to get through the day-to-day and remember to stay focused on living, as odd as that sounds.
Just a long comment here really to say: I feel you. Good post!
I agree completely Danica. It’s so easy to forget to live b/c life just gets in the way. 25 was a rough one for me. But you’re doing so much as of late, really taking control that I know you won’t have any problems!
Society does try to mold us into this one life when in fact there are infinite possibilities and we shouldn’t be afraid of them. And no one should judge another who decides to throw preconceived notions out the door.